I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
