I'm pants shitting drunk right now
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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