I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
