Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I've blown a few things in my day
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
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Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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