Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
