So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
