I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
