Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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