the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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