Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
