best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
