Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
