tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
