he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
