I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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