There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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