I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
