Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
