I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
