I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
