Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
