Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
