Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
