So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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