i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
