I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
