i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Too much gin, very little bucket
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
