I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
