No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
