I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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