Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
