4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
