I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
