there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
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i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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