Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
