I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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