good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
