he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
