i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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