I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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