Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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