nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
