my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
