so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
