i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
