I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
