I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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