So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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