I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
