Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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