Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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