stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
