Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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