I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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